Forcing It (aka Fake It Till You Make It)
Almost six years ago my husband and I relocated our family from AZ to CT (note - a cross country move with three kids is NOT for the faint of heart).
I can say without hesitation the next 3 years of my life were the worst I have ever experienced. And while I will not go into details - just know that we were ALL struggling with the change, but my kiddos most of all. It was very isolating living in a new area with no local friends I could open up to about the things we were struggling with.
This is what depression looks like.
I became incredibly depressed. But the sneaky thing about depression is that you don’t know that’s what it is at the time. My world became sad and lonely and the exhaustion I felt was so, so bone deep.
It took a global pandemic and being with my family 24/7 to force me to get help. Taking that first step was literally life changing. I cannot say enough good things about the right meds and finding an amazing therapist.
But now, when I look back at photos from that time - especially those from the first year - I get so sad. Because there are almost none. Mind you - I HAD BEEN A PHOTOGRAPHER FOR EIGHT YEARS at that point. I knew the value of a photograph! And there are ZERO videos. Zero. This is my biggest regret. I was so in my depression I couldn’t see the beauty of my small kids. I vividly remember seeing sweet moments happen with my kids and actively choosing not to pick up my phone. Thinking that I didn’t want to remember this time in my life anyway, so what was the point? And forget about my Big (professional) Camera. It collected dust for an entire year.
As I write this I realize how much this still affects me. I can feel all the guilt, shame and a million other emotions in my chest. But I need to get this out. Because if you take ONE thing from this post let it be this: TAKE THE DAMN VIDEO (and photos). No matter what.
Year two when I finally began documenting life again.
If you’re in the shit and dealing with the hard, messy, brutal stuff of life, please - fight the urge to ignore the moment. FAKE IT. Fake it for your kids, your partner, and most of all for your future self. Pick up your phone and record your life. Someday when the fog clears and you feel like YOU again, there will be a feeling of pride in that choice. And you will have proof of all those beautiful moments - even though you struggled to see them as they happened.
xo,
